Geekpr0n Tests the MA Hoverbike
Some of you may have heard about the new hover bicycle (or hoverbike, if you will…) that has recently shown up in social media. Last year the folks over at Malloy Aeronautics began a Kickstarter campaign to see their vision of a hoverbike made into reality.
Thus far they are well into drone production, constantly improving their models so that the final safe iteration of the hoverbike is as safe as possible. To say the least, it would be reckless insanity to test out the full-scale model with a human being driving. Particularly an untrained pilot who had somehow snuck into their facilities in Southern England in the middle of the night and stolen said hoverbike, carting it back to Canada for product testing.
And that is why Malloy Aeronautics really needs to improve their locks. Also they may need to replace those locks. And the windows. And a wall or two.
Anyway, I managed to try out the first version of the MA Hoverbike in my own backyard at home in sunny, cold as a witch’s frosty nethers, Canada. It took me some time to power on the entire unit and especially to reassemble it from its carryon state from the flight. Wearing my finest knock-off Canada Goose down coat, I donned my aviator goggles and my Gryffindor scarf and got on my vehicle to take to the skies.
Regretfully, I had forgotten my profound fear of flight and spent the first ten minutes in the sky screaming “This is a kill height!” in raw terror as I skidded my mighty steed off of the hoods of several cars. Realizing this to be a potential flaw in design, I immediately pulled out my phone to make notes, causing me to cartwheel through the air like a spinning missile. I was able to right myself after barnstorming a small funeral procession.
Once in the air, I was like a mighty eagle piloting a blimp as I soared gracefully, hundreds of meters in the air much like a god surveying his domain. Perhaps it was altitude sickness, perhaps it was the raw fear of falling, or maybe my onset megalomania was kicking in again, but I wondered what possible military applications this vehicle might have. As such, I resolved to arm myself accordingly. I managed to find a nearby sporting event and saw a cheerleader firing a T-shirt gun. I landed adjacent to her (and by adjacent, I mean on) and acquired the gun before taking to the skies with my new armament, thanking a very confused viewing public.
Once in the sky, I lined up a harmless shot at a nearby building and let the shirt fly! Regretfully, the force of the shirt firing from the gun was more than the bike’s capacity to hover in a fixed place. I began spinning through the air crying for my dear mother as I headed for what would assuredly be certain doom.
I then realized that I might be able to fire a second shot, allowing me to stabilize the vehicle. Unfortunately, the gun only had a capacity of a single shot. Thusly, in mid-flight, I was forced to discard my coat to load my shirt haphazardly into the cannon and fire it in the opposite direction. Regretfully, the laws of physics had chosen that day to be a harsh and unforgiving mistress as the second shot only furthered my peril, which was amplified by my now lack of a shirt.
At this point you might have expected me to fall off, however, my brief summer as a drossage horse stress tester had given me thighs of steel and I was able to straddle that wily sky chariot like it was my Summer of 2007 all over again. I managed to stabilize myself by crashing into the 680 News traffic plane.
At this point I was certain of only two things: firstly that my nipples were now hard enough to cut glass and were adding to my overall drag while in flight, and secondly that since this entire enterprise was quite perilous for a genius god of the sky such as myself, the average citizen couldn’t possibly survive on this vehicle. Realizing this, I felt it best to land. Coincidentally, my vehicle did as well as it was now running out of fuel and heading for the ground. Noting the lack of a fuel gauge as a design flaw, I proceeded to scream at an incredibly high volume as the ground once more became a larger and larger reality. Deciding that I would not die in such a way, I aimed for the open lake of Lake Ontario, which thankfully was not completely frozen. I allowed the vehicle to idle until at the last second I pulled back causing it to have just enough force to slow my fall. I hydroplaned across the surface of the lake, still screaming like a man with his testicles on fire.
I came to a stop (that some would label a crash) at the edge of the lake on a small frozen section of land. Landing within the woods nearby and satisfied that I had tested the product, I walked from it, bare chested, scarf billowing in the wind as I made for the long trek home.
Overall the Hoverbike shows a great deal of promise but certainly needs extensive testing before a final version can be made available to the public. Special licensing would be required for civilians should the technology become commonplace.