Geekpr0n Tests the Pyro Mini Fireshooter
It’d been some time since my bosses at Geekpr0n sent me any form of correspondence. Since my last product test most of my articles were forced to be submitted electronically and I was left to hope that they received publication.
However all of that changed this past week when a strange device was mailed to my front door.
I inspected it carefully for ticking sounds before opening the affixed note:
“Dear Michael, we got this product from the folks at Ellusionist to try out. They sent us their Pyro Mini Fireshooter, a new and more compact version of their Pyro Fireshooter. We agreed that there’s no one more qualified on the staff to test this product. It’s typically used in magic illusions and such but we can’t wait to see what you have planned. – Your bosses at Geekpr0n.”
As such I took the device out.
Ignoring the instructions I immediately started loading flash cotton wrapped in flash paper into the device. With each of the barrels… is it barrels? loaded I fastened it to my wrist and hit the button on the remote only for it to fail to ignite.
Puzzled it took me mere moments to realize that I hadn’t charged the device itself but a quick episode of One Punch Man later and I was primed. I quickly strapped the device to my wrist hid it under my sleeve and hit the remote.
Regretfully I had strapped the device backwards to my wrist and a small gout of fire shot up my arm and directly into my armpit. Thankfully running around my first floor screaming for Optimus Prime to save me was sufficient to put the flame out.
At this point I realized that this product might be ideal for food preparation. In that attempt I proceeded to make a grilled cheese sandwich. Once everything was assembled and slowly cooking in my pan at home I then aimed my loaded device at the sandwich so that I could get a nice even melted cheese throughout the sandwich.
Regretfully there was still some leftover grease in the pan from last night’s dinner and it promptly ignited when it came into contact with flame. Thankfully I was able to successfully eject the pan out through a window and onto a pile of dry leaves in front of my home. This act successfully kept my house intact. Regretfully the leaves were not spared from this fate and I spent some time considering how best to extract my sandwich from its current predicament.
Later, as I ate my not perfectly cooked sandwich I realized that despite the failings I’d undergone in testing this product could have other practical applications in terms of self defense and ascending to become a very localized god of fire. As such I carried on my way with one of those two options. Becoming a god.
Such declarations of divinity often require acts to inspire faith so I immediately set out on a cold Canadian winter morning to provide heat to those who needed it. My first attempt at garnering followers was standing before a homeless man that I’d come across and proceeded to amaze him with my divine might!
“Behold mortal! I… your god… of fire have come down to you to make you my first… prophet.. is it prophet? Disciple?”
“It’s prophet.” He corrected.
“Thank you. My first prophet! Behold on this cold winter I will provide you with heat to warm you!” Taking a few steps back I raised my hand. In seconds a plume of fire shot from my wrist warming the air. I smiled down at my new prophet! “Aren’t I a mighty god?” I said, posing dynamically.
“Well not really. That was a half a second tops.” He replied.
“Well… you’re warm now right?”
“A bit. But you’re still no god. I can see the unit under your sleeve. You have to hide it better.”
“I had an accident before.”
“Trust me man. Used to be a magician.”
“Oh? Is that why you’re here now?”
“Lord no. I find it insulting that you’d even consider that.”
“Oh… so why are you homeless?”
“I’m not comfortable discussing that with a man trying to become a local god of fire.” I decided to move on.
Despite this setback I realized that I needed a larger display of fire power to accelerate my worship. As such a quick trip to a hardware store provided me with that very accelerant I needed. I proceeded to the city square to liberally place lighter fluid on the ground in my visage. I was not deterred in my efforts regardless of the rain. Once done I attempted to rally the people with a stirring speech.
“ATTENTION YOU INADEQUATE MORTALS! THANK YOU! I AM YOUR NEW GOD! Yes I know you probably already have one but I imagine that god is quite old and dusty and really what has that god done for you lately? I am here today to present you with a miracle of fire which will, I’m sure, confirm my divine status! You are welcome!” At that moment I lit the lighter fluid trail having detached the device itself and using the remote’s thirty feet operation to its full advantage.
Regretfully I learned that day about chemical diffusion and the fire spread quite quickly through the city square. I would have made a daring escape but regretfully some of the fire got on my clothes allowing the police to identify me as “That asshole without the pants.”
In closing I feel the Pyro Mini Fireshooter is a fine invention, even if it may lack practical applications. That said any showman would be ill placed to put it in his arsenal of tricks.