Geek Love

Ten Most Dysfunctional Couples in Video Games


 

Love is a wonderful thing.  Not all romances are the sweet, loving relationships we are used to seeing from our media.  For Valentine’s day this year we’re going to take a look at ten relationships that are a little more off beat, but still manage to work.

 

 

10: Juliet Starling and Nick Carlyle – Lollipop Chainsaw

 

Her name Juliet.  That should tell you EVERYTHING you need to know.

Her name Juliet. That should tell you EVERYTHING you need to know.

 

Relationships are hard work.  When one partner is a zombie hunting cheerleader with a 3.4 GPA and the other is a disembodied head given life by a voodoo ritual, it makes things even more complex.  But Juliet and Nick manage to make it work.  Through thick and thin they stick together (mainly because Juliet has Nick hanging from her belt) and in the end the power of love helps them save the day and they ride off together into the sun set together.

Keep on lovin’ you crazy kids.

9: Mario and Princess Peach – Super Mario Bros.

Admit it, at some point in time, we all shipped it.

Admit it, at some point in time, we all shipped it.

 

Everyone knew this had to be on here.  The whole kidnap and rescue thing is either part of a very co-dependent relationship, or just REALLY elaborate foreplay.  I’ll let you guys think on that for a bit and decide for yourselves.

 

8: Roland and Lilith – Borderlands

 

It's pretty clear who wears the pants in this relationship.

It’s pretty clear who wears the pants in this relationship.

No one would expect anything as adorable as the relationship between Roland and Lilith to appear in Borderlands.  The majority of the relationship takes place between games, so by the time we catch up to them in Borderlands 2 the relationship as already come to an end, but watching the two interact in still wonderful.  Between Lilith’s overt flirting and Roland being far too thick skulled to realize what she’s trying to say, we are presented with the picture of two people who do care about each other greatly, but just aren’t able to properly express it.

7: Nate Drake and Elena Fisher – Uncharted series

Let's not kid ourselves folks. We all know this is the REAL romance of the series.

Let’s not kid ourselves folks. We all know this is the REAL romance of the series.

If there is an over arching plot to the Uncharted series its that Nate and Elena have a troubled relationship.  At the conclusion of the first game the two get together and it looks like sunshine and roses for them. The second game starts with Elena strangely absent and when she appears later on we discover that things didn’t work out between her and Nate, but its made painfully obvious that he still cares.  By the end of the second game they are back together yet as the third game opens, once again they have broken up, this time due to Elena getting cold feet when Nate popped the question.  And much like before they end on a happy note.

Seriously guys, if it didn’t work out the first two times, I think its time to call it quits.

 

6: Commander Shepard and Miranda Lawson – Mass Effect

Two seconds after this touching moment, she calls him a bastard.

Two seconds after this touching moment, she calls him a bastard.

Miranda may be genetically perfect but, in her own words, “I’m not good at being attached.”  She comes across as emotionally stunted at times, not fully understanding how to be in a relationship with another person.  Mix that with Shepard just being awkward as hell most of the time (way to go with the weird writing Bioware) and you have a relationship that is both bizarre and yet oddly charming.

5: Jason Brody and Liza Snow – Far Cry 3

And oh yeah, this happens!

And oh yeah, this happens!

Far Cry 3 isn’t exactly heralded for its writing.   The story only exists to move from one action scene to the next.  But if there is one thing it got right is the relationship between Jason and Liza.  We see through flashbacks that things are strained for the two. Liza being the mature and responsible one, knows exactly what she wants out of life.  Jason continues to be an irresponsible man child that Liza feels is wasting his potential.  There is something very genuine about this and you wouldn’t expect to find it in a game about a murderous dude bro.

4: Max Payne and Mona Sax – Max Payne

When this is a reoccurring part of your relationship, I think it may be time to throw in the towel.

When this is a reoccurring part of your relationship, I think it may be time to throw in the towel.

One is a hard boiled NYPD homicide detective.  The other is a hired killer for the mob.  The problems in this relationship are clear.  The first time they meet Mona slips Max a drugged drink and leaves him for dead so she can protect her sister, the mob boss’ wife.  Their interaction bounces back and forth from a detective and a possible murder suspect, to trusted combat buddies with a long standing personal history.  They also end up on the business end of each others guns more than once.

 

3:  Vincent Brooks and Katherine McBride/Catherine – Catherine

Spoiler: She's not giving him the bedroom eyes.

Spoiler: She’s not giving him the bedroom eyes.

Having two attractive women both wanting you seems like every man’s dream.  But when one of them is demanding, over bearing and possibly lies about being pregnant to force the man into marriage, and the other is a literal succubus, it might not be as great as it sounds.

2: Michael and Amanda De Santa – Grand Theft Auto V

Couple's yoga ruin's relationships, never let anyone tell you otherwise.

Couples yoga ruins relationships, never let anyone tell you otherwise.

A retired bank robber and a former stripper.  This just sounds like match made in heaven, right?  Not by a long shot.  After over a decade of marriage Mike and Amanda are in a very bad place.  Like any bored wife of a rich dude, Amanda is sleeping with both her tennis coach AND her yoga instructor. Eventually she leaves her husband for the yoga instructor after Mike attacks him in a fit of rage.  But after a very heated round of couple’s counselling including death threats from Mike they somehow go home happier than they have been in years.

Yeah, figure that one out.

1: Raiden and Rose – Metal Gear Solid 2

Unfortunately, yes, yes she does.

Unfortunately, yes, yes she does.

Oh. My. God. Where do I start with these two. The fact that she constantly interrupts a highly sensitive mission to, among other things, RESCUE THE FREAKIN’ PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES to bitch and moan about him being distant? The fact that she straight up admits to breaking into his bed room when he wasn’t home and then proceeds to call him soulless? Or how about the fact that she’s a plant from a secret group that controls the US Government placed to keep an eye on him because he’s part of a project to re-create the world’s greatest solider?  Yeah, they have issues.

 

Can you think of any other troubled video game relationships?  Let us know in the comment section below.

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